Blog 3, dealing with the flashbacks

So I mentioned in a previous blog about the flashbacks. This is perhaps where I can make the most difference (I hope). One day when looking to buy her first house W came home to discover the washing machine at home had been damaged. Upon reporting this due to the way her family works it wound up being her fault (despite the fact she was entirely innocent, as she had been with me for a few days). She naturally protested her innocence and an argument ensued. Her mother then stated that she was pulling the sum of money lent to her to fund her first home. 3 days before it was due to go to the back so she could get the keys. Now W's flashbacks have "triggers", these triggers are situations of extreme stress, anxiety or fear for example. Now pulling the plug on someone’s money 3 days before it is due is pretty stressful, and I received a somewhat tearful phone call asking if she could stay with me. This evening would turn out to be one of the most poignant evenings in our relationship, and perhaps the most difficult times i have experienced to date. I will recount as best i can here in the hope i can be sure for myself that I'm doing the right thing dating her, as for me if I can't cope with this, it's unfair of me to go on. W came in looking a bit vacant and already apologising for what may happen next. They've given her drugs, mood stabilisers and the like and some pretty industrial strength sleeping tablets. She got there late so we went straight to bed, or at least, I tried to. As soon as she laid down she curled up into the foetal position and help on to me so tight it almost hurt. then she stopped answering her name. then she started shaking and whimpering. it looked and sounded for all the world like a baby having a nightmare. As i am first aid trained i checked all the obvious, breathing, heartbeat, calling her name checking for a response. Vital signs all normal but no response. Terrifying beyond measure if you've never had it before. This lasted around 15 minutes, and when she "came back" it was obvious she had just relived all the rapes of the past again. Much like once you see something you can't "stop" yourself thinking of it, its easy to put a though in your head, impossible to remove it. This went on through the night until she finally dropped off to sleep, whether through drugs or exhaustion I do not know. I will write more on this later, if anyone wants me to, now I must get back to the grind! Ok so back from the grind, so I'm going to add to my tome. Ok so the night that night was hard. I spent a long time awake thinking, as I'm sure anyone would: "this is how it could be, this is how it'll be if you argue, if you fall out, if you do anything to upset her, if anyone does, if anything does..." That was a tricky one, because I have to be there for her if that happens, and I have to support her if that happens, and I cant have a "bad" day when that happens. but then, its not all doom and gloom, and at the end of the night I decided I will do this, I can be there and I can look after her. Putting it into practice on the other hand, is somewhat more challenging!! I will write more of our exploits together probably Wednesday evening, if I get any comments I can answer questions, if not I will write a little more about the past (yes I know this is in no particular order, I write this to get things off my mind so it doesn't always go in the right order!!) and I will write about an interesting shopping trip recently....