Post four, apologies for the broken promise

I start with an apology, I was meant to write more about the past as detailed in post 3, however a few events have come to light since then which have pushed it from my mind. As i said I write this to vent what I feel so sometime emotions run high. Right now things are a bit tricky. Events have conspired against W once again. It feels like since I knew her it has always been a case of just as she thinks she's got thourgh something, a hurdle comes up. It began last week with windows. You'd think it was fairly simple to get new windows considering how terrible the current ones are, all steamed up in between the panels and rotting wooden frames but no. Its one of those joint ownership things, so depsite the fact that when they shut you can see daylight in the gap and they darken the room where they've steamed up the housing assoctiation want letters from everyone to say its ok to do and £100 for the priviledge of saying it's ok. GREAT! Just what she needs. To make matters worse one of her kittens has gone missing, and despite my best assurances that cats do this and being sure she'll come back W cannot help but blame herself. It doesn't help no cat she has ever had has done this before. She is staying at mine tonight. Normally we see each other weekends and wednesdays, but I worry about her mental state. Stress and anxiety can trigger the flashbacks so I'd rather she's with me where she feels safe, and is away form anything sharp, in case it all gets too much. On the upside, she did talk about her visions of the little girl recently. On Friday me and my housemate had a bit of a lads evening watching films,eating and drinking, and she came over as we were winding up. She was very sleepy and started to talk to him about her visions of the girl in the corner. A bit unexpected, as far as I know she doesn't discuss this with many people, but maybe thats progress? I don't know. I hope so. It is frustrating I can't just "cure it" like i can cure a sticky door lock or a blown light bulb, but then, she is much more complex than one of those, and the experts have all failed so far, apart from one who is brilliant. I will write more in the next few days to see how the cat saga progresses. I hope she comes back, even I liked the cat and I am cycnical of them as pets, you don't buy a cat you rent it in the hope it stays....

Blog 3, dealing with the flashbacks

So I mentioned in a previous blog about the flashbacks. This is perhaps where I can make the most difference (I hope). One day when looking to buy her first house W came home to discover the washing machine at home had been damaged. Upon reporting this due to the way her family works it wound up being her fault (despite the fact she was entirely innocent, as she had been with me for a few days). She naturally protested her innocence and an argument ensued. Her mother then stated that she was pulling the sum of money lent to her to fund her first home. 3 days before it was due to go to the back so she could get the keys. Now W's flashbacks have "triggers", these triggers are situations of extreme stress, anxiety or fear for example. Now pulling the plug on someone’s money 3 days before it is due is pretty stressful, and I received a somewhat tearful phone call asking if she could stay with me. This evening would turn out to be one of the most poignant evenings in our relationship, and perhaps the most difficult times i have experienced to date. I will recount as best i can here in the hope i can be sure for myself that I'm doing the right thing dating her, as for me if I can't cope with this, it's unfair of me to go on. W came in looking a bit vacant and already apologising for what may happen next. They've given her drugs, mood stabilisers and the like and some pretty industrial strength sleeping tablets. She got there late so we went straight to bed, or at least, I tried to. As soon as she laid down she curled up into the foetal position and help on to me so tight it almost hurt. then she stopped answering her name. then she started shaking and whimpering. it looked and sounded for all the world like a baby having a nightmare. As i am first aid trained i checked all the obvious, breathing, heartbeat, calling her name checking for a response. Vital signs all normal but no response. Terrifying beyond measure if you've never had it before. This lasted around 15 minutes, and when she "came back" it was obvious she had just relived all the rapes of the past again. Much like once you see something you can't "stop" yourself thinking of it, its easy to put a though in your head, impossible to remove it. This went on through the night until she finally dropped off to sleep, whether through drugs or exhaustion I do not know. I will write more on this later, if anyone wants me to, now I must get back to the grind! Ok so back from the grind, so I'm going to add to my tome. Ok so the night that night was hard. I spent a long time awake thinking, as I'm sure anyone would: "this is how it could be, this is how it'll be if you argue, if you fall out, if you do anything to upset her, if anyone does, if anything does..." That was a tricky one, because I have to be there for her if that happens, and I have to support her if that happens, and I cant have a "bad" day when that happens. but then, its not all doom and gloom, and at the end of the night I decided I will do this, I can be there and I can look after her. Putting it into practice on the other hand, is somewhat more challenging!! I will write more of our exploits together probably Wednesday evening, if I get any comments I can answer questions, if not I will write a little more about the past (yes I know this is in no particular order, I write this to get things off my mind so it doesn't always go in the right order!!) and I will write about an interesting shopping trip recently....

The difficult second posting

Ok so post one may have been dramatic. It certainly was for me to find it all out. Perhaps to put it into perspective I should give you some background. Howe we met etc. and later on I'll highlight a few more of the interesting things that W's mind can do. Yes I did say interesting, call it perverse but we both find her brain pretty fascinating. So, how did we meet? Well, we me online weirdly enough, one of those freebie dating sites that you can get. I'd already met a few people off there, but couldn't find anyone I really liked. Then one day a message popped up from a girl with quite a funny name. the name made me smile, but the message she'd sent immediately sparked with me. See, thing is I mentioned quite a lot on my profile (yes I talk too much, sorry!!) but the main gist of it was the journey can be worth the destination. Let me explain: You want to go camping, you go and it rains every day. Do you sit back and bemoan camping as being rubbish in the rain, or do you take a few cans and have a good time despite the weather? I know lots of people do the former and more power to you, camping can be miserable when it rains, but you'll develop a bond if you stick with it, some kind of weird feeling of glowing pride and triumph over adversity. W's message basically said she was that kind of person, and I liked that. So we chatted. Lots. She talks a lot and so do I, so meeting up was easy, it went fine. She's nothing like what I thought was my type, but she spoke to well and so much that I was attracted to her anyway, and meeting her in the flesh blew all my previous opinions away. I'd always preferred the fleshier (?!?!) girls, size 12-14, but yet here was this stunning size 10 little blonde thing making me very quickly change my perspective. Suffice it to say, she's hot, and quite a few people thing way out of my league, and I'd agree!! Hopefully from the above you can see that on the surface she's totally normal. She has a normal job, a house, a car and pets. All normal. In fact, I still can't quite believe that all what has happened to her is true, given how she is now. I write this blog mainly so I can vent my feelings about things to someone (anyone!) about how I feel, because I have to be strong for W, I can't have an off day if she is having a bad day, her off days would make anyone else never have a bad day again. But you know what's great? in the last week a relative of mine was rushed to hospital, far form where I live. Not only did W come to visit with me, but waited in the car while I went in for over an hour and was as solid a rock for me then as anyone could wish for. That to me is mind blowing. Here is a girl who must have all those images in her head all the time, the hooded members of the gang who raped her, who held her own despite her struggles and screams, the friend who betrayed her and raped her knowing her past, the family that can't cope with her. How can anyone's head deal with all that!! Mine barely can and it didn't even happen to me!! I think that's all I want to write for today, there is lots more I can tell but I want to put a bit every day. I also don't want it to be too long, you'll all fall asleep! But please, comments and questions are welcome, and I will post more, if not tomorrow then Monday night. Thanks for reading.

First post and introduction

Hi there. Apologies for the obvious title, but I guess this is what this post is. So my name is H (naturally I wish to remain anonymous!)and I am currently dating a girl we'll call W. I want to use this blog to get out some of the emotions that build up when you're dating someone like W. As the post would suggest, W is a very damaged case, which is odd really because in my years I've dated my girls who claimed they were "damaged" and yet W is the most cheery of the bunch. I think for me half the battle is that she is so normal you sometimes forget the true horrors she has experienced in life. I apologise now if anyeone finds this disturbing, but I need to talk to someone who doesn't know her and can never get in touch with her, so cowering behind an anonymous blog seems the best way. W was gang raped, and then later on raped by a person she confided this information into. This has given W the sort of mental scaring that me with my priviligded upbringing can hardly comprehend. Well i say privliged, that never happened to me! she has been left mentally and physically scarred and with a list of mental illnesses long enough to keep half the NHS in our area busy, as well as the first time round being made pregnant and then miscarrying. Of course they were never caught, usually the first thing a victim wants to do is wash and hide away for weeks, so by then any "evidence" is old, and prosecution only likely if the DNA is on the file or she got a description. Given it was dark and they wore hoods this won't happen. the second guy is known to a few people, he will get what is coming to him but after the first one she didnt want to pursue for prosecution as she had a mental relapse of the first time while it happened so she was "out of it", and it would be easy for him to claim it was consensual, or at the very least make it her word against his, and would you send a man down for 8 years based on that?!? Well, thats introductions over. I'm sure for any readers there will be more questions than answers, so feel free to comment and ask any questions, and under my veil of anonymity I will answer. All you need to know is I live in a territory that is part of the UK, and I want to be a good blogger, so I will return soon to post more, hopefully over the weekend.