The benefits of being bad at things

So, a little earlier than planned, but here is the next post. I have now seen her psychological report/risk assesment, and also a typed account of events that happened when she was gang raped written by her. To say the least it is hard hitting.I think the line about a gun being cocked is probably the most unnerving. The title of this post may sound confusing, but please let me explain: At school i was terrible at art and drawing, I dont think I am a very creative person. Right now I am so relieved about that, because when I hear her speak and see her words my brain desperately tries to put an image do it, desperately tries to imagine her in that position. I don't want it to, it just does. Like when you read a book and you picture it? Fortunately I can't picture it, or I'm sure it would drive me mad with I don't even know what. I can't picture her lying there almost like a lifeless doll while these men have their way, can't imagine the vacant stare and hollow eyes, bruised and blackened from the beatings. I'm glad I cant see her like that, glad I've never seen her cry or seen her scared. She says I make her happy, but it doesn't feel like enough, I want to take it away, want to make it all better, want to do the next thing for her which will improve her life. Right now I don't know, I can't take it away, i know that. Maybe I will just be destined to make it all a distant memory. To be a dose of normality for her. Will she have a normal life? Who knows. Will getting engaged, getting married, having kids one day, will any of that trigger a relapse? Who knows. I guess I shouldn't batter myself about it, but i'm sure any guys reading this will probably say that it niggles, its eats away, and i must find a way to stop it becuase it's a path to nothing. I can't take it away.I can't "unmake" it happen. I told her I loved her. She seemed pleased with that,very pleased. I knew before I said it she won't say it back, not for a long time. Trust doesn't rebuild that easily. But I will wait, I know she is worth waiting for. I know that one day she can beat this, and I will definitely be around to see it.