It all comes out

Well, there we were, me and W in the car, driving back from a family visit in the lashing rain and wind.Speeds were slow and the journey was long, so we talked. We always do this, we are very rarely silent unless someone is asleep. We talked about what we wanted to do in the bedroom later, we like winding each other up like that, and we wondered if there was anything the other wanted to try. This led to the conversation steering toward what she was and wasn't ok with. I gently probed for more infomration, as of course it could be easy to what might be a bit of fun to turn into a trigger. So she told me everything, and I mean everything, so I will re-tell it here as much for my own therapy in this situation. I have to vent it or it will consume me. So it started with her first boyfriend. He was nice enough to start but turned nasty. He blamed her for his family splitting up (she never met them) and basically destroyed her mental resolve (but then hitting people in the head with a hockey stick will soon bring them to your way of thinking, however crazy). This made her depressed and turn to drinking (I guess she was 15 around this time). The drinking turned to drugs, the drugs turned to her getting in with the wrong crowd. She owed money she couldn't pay, she then says they made her into a "sex slave", they would lock her into a room with men and she would have to perform or i assume be beaten or worse. This carried on for a few months and then the gang rape with the 4 or 5 guys happened as she returned from a night out. It is from one of these events the baby was concieved, however through drink and drugs she lost it, probably on purpose, as by now her mind was destroyed. I believe a deliberate miscarriage is probably understandable, others may not but thats their opinion, it is mine. She was sectioned ( to all intents and purposes) around a month afrer all this, and that probably saved her life. While in hospital they couldn't find her, and she could begin to recover. After around a year in and out of hospital she began to have something of a more normal life, the physical wounds of self harm and self blame frustration had healed, and she was seeing a guy. She felt she could trust this guy and opened up just a few of the things that had happened to her in the hope it would help her begin to heal the mental scars. That person then raped her as well. So while i didnt even have a girlfriend until I was 18 sh'd been through a whole lifetimes worth of men and drinks and drugs and all sorts. I knew there was soemthing when I started dating her. I didn't believe her casual line about the wrist scars being cat scratches. And now we begin the healing process. Will she ever recover? I don't know. Will she ever be free of flashbacks and nightmares? Who knows. The trouble is of course life throws up all sorts of unique events, births, deaths, and any of these could trigger her. Maybe if things work out for us we will start a family? Could being pregnant be a trigger to bring it all back? Getting married? Losing a relative? I don't know. All i know is I love her, and she doesn't know it yet, now is not the time to tell her. She has all she needs from me right now, and that's fine. I will be there for her, i will stand by her. Next update may well be come November 14th, for that is a big appointment for her, and she wants me to come. I think now i know enough I can come, and I can finally start to work with people that know about these things, as I will freely admit I know nothing of the underworld of drinking and drugs. My upbringing was so far removed form it all I can barely believe this happens. But I will not cave in, I will be a rock for her, and I will do my best for her as long as she will let me.

Restful nights playful days

Or not. So W had a nightmare last night. This never bodes well. Of course she will never let on with what it was about, and perhaps I worry too much about these things anyway (which may or may not help) but it does cause me a slight dilemna.Can you have too much of a good thing? My meaning is, am I doing more harm than good being there a lot? Does she have 3 or 4 nights in a row with me where she feels safe (say, Fri,Sat,Sun) and then the monday night away is hard because there's no-one there? How on earth do I solve this one. Do I not spend as muhc time with the girl I am dying to tell I am head over heels in love with, or just go with it and see how she goes? Tricky, very tricky. Orherwise all seems to be going well, she is thinking about how she can be weaned off the drugs as she will want to start a family soon, and it could take years apparently, reducing the dose by a few micrograms a month or something,maybe someone knows better than me. this is encouraging, both for our future and for her state of min, it must be good if she doesn't want it. Sorry its a short infrequent one, but I want to run throught the downsides, and so far not been so many, they will come I am sure, but I will be ready for them.

Post 5, steady times

So as the title suggests, currently all is quiet on the southern front. Things have been ticking over and we've been going out and doing a few of these normal things we never seem to get round to, like a trip to a museum. That would explain the lack of postings recently, I haven't needed the therapy. Bit nerovus for the upcoming weeks though, W is struggling to sleep now, seems to be getting more and more work while the public sector pay freeze means she has an ever increasing work load with little prospect of the deserved rewards coming. This is causuing a lack of sleep. For now this is the only thing, that and perhaps a fraction less sense of humour than before. But i do worry. Extreme stress can trigger the flashbacks, and flashbacks are when it all goes a bit wrong. So far as a write this there have been precisely 33 page views.Most of those search engines, so I know my voice is like space, no-one can hear you scream, however I would say on record it has changed my opinion totally on mental health. I, like i'm sure at least someone else must think, had the view that as there were no physical issues there was nothing wrong that a stern resolve couldn't beat. I know this not to be the case. W has shown me that, given she is even more cycnical of it than me! She hates it because it has no logic, no A+B=C, like a big whack on the arm=broken arm. And credit to her for being so strong and so stubborn in her refusla to let it beat her, and not only that but even when she has a "bad" day, she is still concenred for my day, concerned for what i percieve to be a problem. I think I am falling in love with her, and I couldn't be happier about it.